Weeding out my beautiful garden.

Yes, I think it’s that time again. It’s a good idea to do this at least once a year especially if you go out and meet new people as much as I do. I’ve been accused of not being outgoing enough. My photos and social calendar prove otherwise. Please keep in mind, I'm not trying to devalue any friendships. They are all important to me and have the potential to grow. I know I’m risking pissing someone off here but if you can’t handle the truth, don’t bother reading anymore of this post.

Loyalty is a huge charter trait for me. It’s the basis of what all other important character traits stem from (trust, support, and honesty) when I consider people as a friend. It’s a shitty but necessary evil if you want to keep positive people around you:

True Friends – There’s only a handful of them. These are the people in my life that would do anything for me and vice versa. They’ve stood by me through my hardest days and continue to support me as I grow out of old habits. I can count on them to be tactfully honest and lift me from darkness on a daily basis. They’d never betray any loyalty by sharing my secrets with someone else. They join me in confronting my demons and those who hurt me. I don’t think I could live without them.

Party Friends – Some of these people are newbees that just haven’t been promoted due to no real opportunity to express a desire to be anything more. Unfortunately, a lot of them are people that I may have at one time mistaken for true friends but have realized that I was way wrong. Sadly, sometimes during break-ups the two sides have to divide friends. I really hate doing that and don’t consider it a fair thing to do to the friends who I genuinely care about. So instead, they just get demoted to party friends. I don’t blame you if you can’t pick sides (we’re both fun people to be around). But with the same token, you probably know most of what happened and if you choose to be Switzerland about it you’re probably not a very good judge of character and I don’t want you in my camp anyway. But I don’t like burning bridges completely. I get the occasional email or party invitation, but there’s no real concern for what’s going on in my life (if there was there’d be no question in my mind where your loyalties lie).

Acquaintenances – There’s too many of these to count. Most of these people I’ve met out and about and wouldn’t trust them alone with my boyfriend (if I had one) or with any personal details of my life. They rarely, if ever, call me or check on me. They don’t know me very well and vice versa and for good reason. I wouldn’t invite them to my wedding and I wouldn’t expect them to show up at my funeral. They’re usually really fun people to party with but that’s about as far as it ever goes.

So there it is. I know, I know, all of this works both ways. Make no mistake, I know where I am on your list too. But I'm always open to improving relationships if someone genuinely feels the same way and I find that person deserves my friendship. You can never have enough friends, but knowing where you stand with someone might motivate you to improve that relationship if you feel that they’re worth your effort.

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Good things come to those who wait ... so she waits.

“You hate me? … Be honest.”

“That would certainly make my life easier.”

There have been too many days lately that I find myself second guessing everything that’s led me to this point, like I’m trying to find some reason or meaning for all the madness of the situation. Every event in life happens for some reason, some bigger plan. I’m still waiting for mine to surface.

As if they were all just waiting for their queue, all of my previous suspicions and bad dreams, as well as some that I had never even thought of, have been confirmed by onlookers and all I can feel about it is embarrassment. I’ve heard about so many recent distractions that only help to reassure me.

Part of me does still feel so strongly as I have since the moment we met … the other part gave up a long time ago and longs for the hate to set in if for no other reason than to ease the pain and make the tears stop. As time passes and we see less and less of each other, I hope all these feelings will just disappear into nowhwere as if they never existed in the first place. Until then, I try to avoid as many confrontations as I can and drown my memory with intoxicating forgetfulness for all of its temporary remedy while we all stand by and watch self-destruction at it’s finest. Hate, no, I wish I could … love, if this is love I want no part of it … heart broken, now there’s a feeling I can relate to.

What a beautiful disaster it was. Hopefully everyone involved will take something positive from it that will lead them to what was truly meant to be, whatever that may be.

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Positive Enlightenment

I don’t usually read more than a few lines of these, but this one really hit home. This really is how I try to deal with my life as big issues arise, one after another sometimes bombarding and overwhelming me with more than I feel I can handle. After crying my eyes out of course, I often have to talk myself into stepping back, and say the words out loud, “I’ve been through worse things than this. Let it go and let God take care of it for me.” That’s not to say that I allow bad things to happen and snowball around me by avoiding them, but I force myself to symbolically release it into God’s hands so that he can guide me on the most positive way to handle the situation. Sometimes your mind can’t deal with the whole symbolic release part of it, you have to actually say the words out loud and your brain has to hear it in a clear confident voice for it to process. The confidence part is sometimes hard to deal with to. I’ve got to try to remember that God will never give me more than I can handle and that if I just ask, he’ll give me the strength and guidance to get through anything.

I didn't mean for this to be a bible lesson, I'm well aware that I have no room to preach to anyone. In the past few years, I've been on a search of sorts. I've made what I consider to be some extreme changes in my lifestyle, career, friendships, and spiritual associations. These changes have cost me dearly in love and friends, but I have no doubt they will lead me to the things I've wanted most in life. I'm not sure why I'm writing this entry except that I see several of my friends struggling with similar problems to what I've been going through lately. As hard as I try, I'm not sure if I'm conveying my advice clearly. Maybe this helps.

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Even when it's raining here, it's still gorgeous.

The first morning, I woke early, picked up my new book, and made my way down to the main patio. The view was so breathtaking and overwhelming, I literally cried. I thought about the couple who had brought us all there to share in the moment when they would publicly dedicate the rest of their lives to each other. I thought about the friends I was sharing this experience with. And most sadly, I thought about the friends that weren’t there with me and wished very badly that they were.

I just got back from the most amazing experience I’ve ever had in my life, and it was so hard to leave it. You can bet your last dollar, I’ll be back there again very soon. I met a lot of people who helped to make the trip even more beautiful. Everyone keeps asking about stories and to describe the trip and I can’t. It’s just someplace you have to go and see for yourself. When you get there, be sure to sit in the black sand, close your eyes, listen as the waves crash against the shore and soak your feet. It will overwhelm you too if you let it.

Just got this via email, and it seems fitting for how I’m feeling right now: “As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.” ~Anonymous~

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